Are You Listening? Have you ever had a conversation with someone or given a speech and asked yourself, “Are they listening to me?” Or have you ever been partly listening to somebody else because you are distracted or thinking about something other than what they are saying?
Most of us do this—especially when we are engaged in conflict. People are normally so distracted with their thoughts and next response that they fail to hear what the other person is saying. Forty percent of our day is spent listening; however, on average only twenty-five percent of the time people are listening efficiently.
Why is it that we only retain 25% of what we hear? First, we perceive listening as passive and have a difficult time concentrating. On average, a person speaks about 130 words per minute, but our thinking speed is close to 500 words per minute. Therefore, we are constantly jumping ahead of the speaker. Even before we begin listening, our minds are full of other thoughts, which shut out what others are saying.
Secondly, our emotions can take over and impair our ability to hear what is being said. While listening, we can become so concerned about our reply that it affects our concentration.
Lastly, our perception as the listener may differ from what is really being said. There are five different styles of non-effective listening. I’m sure you will recognize people who fall into each of these different categories. Maybe you can even distinguish your style of listening.
1) The Faker - They are pretending to listen when their mind is actually thinking of something else. The Faker gives you non verbal cues that he is listening such as: eyes on the speaker, head nodding, and smiling when appropriate.
2) The Dependent Listener - Is the listener who lives vicariously through the speakers’ opinions, wishes, and the feelings of others. They can be highly dependent upon what you are saying. They miss what is being said because their main concern is how they are listening and reacting.
3) The Interrupter - This listener will cut you off in mid-sentence and begin telling you their opinion on the subject, or bring up something that doesn’t even relate to the speaker’s subject. Often times the listener is threatened by the subject or speaker.
4) The Self-Conscious Listener - This person focuses their attention on whether they are listening well or not well enough. They are preoccupied with their own internal matters. The lister is so concerned about how the conversation is going that they fail to actually hear what the speaker is saying.
5) The last style of listening is the Intellectual or Logical Listener. This type of listener only hears what’s in their heads. They are blotting out reality and only seeing their point of view. They neglect emotional and nonverbal aspects of the conversation. They are so involved with what they are thinking that they miss the deeper meaning and fail to understand or see another’s perspective.
By recognising the different listening types of others, you are also finding out an immense amount of information about yourself. While we can’t change other people and how they listen we can change ourselves.
What should a good listener possess? Listening is taking information and gives credence to others expressions and feelings. Listening requires that you pay attention and put aside whatever is on your mind. You start by making a conscious effort to listen and not act needy.
Appreciate other’s points of view. Most people won’t listen or pay attention to your point of view until they feel convinced you have heard and understand theirs. This means keeping your defensives, criticism, and impatience at a minimum.
Listening involves affirming that you understand what you’ve just heard. You can do this by using phrases such as “so you are saying….”, “let’s make sure I understand….”, or “so you feel……….”
Active listening is one of the best communication skills to possess. It takes concentration and practice, but will provide you with communicative competence with business associates, your spouse, children, friends, or even someone you just met.
You will find with active listening skills you will have improved self-esteem, will demonstrate interest in others , and experience greater cooperation. Active listening tools include verbal skills such as; para-phrasing, clarifying, and giving feedback. Non-verbal skills are also required for active listening. The listener should use non-verbal feedback, which sends a positive message that the speaker is being heard. To let the speaker know you are listening make eye contact 60-80% of the time. Nod, smile, furrow your brows, and shake your head when appropriate. Lean slightly towards the speaker keeping your body posture open and relaxed (keep your arms unfolded and relaxed). Mirror his or her cues. Avoid mimicking them, but look for ways to be congruent. For example, if the speaker is talking slowly, do the same.
If you practice active listening you will possess and show empathy for others. Remember that having empathy for another person requires you to be an empathetic listener. Be attentive, interested in the other persons needs, be non-judgemental, do not discount their feelings such as saying” you’ll feel better tomorrow…..
Encourage the speaker by saying “uh huh…. and “I see .....when appropriate. Use non-verbal cues, ask open-ended questions, do not interrupt them or take the subject in another direction. Refrain from interrogating, teaching, or giving advice.
Reflect back to them that you understand how they fee. empathy sows interest and curiosity in what the other person is saying. This should make listening effortless.
Who knows what type of information or how many interesting stories you have missed because you haven’t paid attention? Listening skills will provide you with more knowledge than you can ever imagine!
So listen up !!!
If you would like help achieving financial freedom or planning for your future today, we would love to hear from you!
Dean Kavanagh Financial Services Phone: +61 2 9954 5888
Fax: +61 2 9954 5895 Email: enquiries@dkfs.com.au Level 7, 80 Arthur Street,
North Sydney NSW 2060 PO Box 548 Milsons Point NSW 1565
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